


A grasp

by Midnight_scraps



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forgive Me, Heavy Angst, Heavy Drinking, I am so sorry, Love, Married Couple, Pregnancy, i am sorry i wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25693546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midnight_scraps/pseuds/Midnight_scraps
Summary: it's been a long journey for Eren and Mikasa to finally accept their feelings for each other and confess, and it's been even a longer journey for them to get married and they were both now ready to start a new chapter in their lives and maybe have an addition to their family.But life hits you out of no where and leaves you struggling.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Comments: 5
Kudos: 44





	1. What his eyes see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life is not all white nor all black you have good days and bad days and you have to remind yourself that it's ok to have both but in Eren's case the bad days may be more than the good days

**After**

**October,2020**

**Eren**

I woke up feeling tired so tired my eyes were heavy, my head hurt from the amount I drank last night and my mouth was so dry I felt like no amount of water could dehydrate me.  
The feeling of the sunray on my skin and eyes didn't make it better for me I still felt like shit and I couldn't even bring myself up from the bed.  
The realization that hits me the very first moment I open my eyes makes me want the day to end already or just go back to sleep so I could escape the brutal reality.

At the moment the world around me keeps moving and I am standing still or to be exact I want to go back in time to the better days.

But unfortunately this is the real world it is not a movie where everything will turn alright for the main character, this reality doesn't have mercy on anyone.

I just hope everyday that this could be a messed up nightmare and I'll wake up to her making breakfast again, or I'll see her beautiful face when I open my eyes and she will look so pretty like an angel when she's asleep and we can have our children come running into the room jumping on the bed causing her to wake up but she won't be mad she'll giggle and then she'll smile at me and everything will be better again when I see her smile.

But as I said we only live in a cruel world.

And as it has been for the past week the realization hit me that I have to take care of her because she the only family I have left and I can't lose her not her too.

So I got up quickly ignoring how dizzy I felt and the nausea I have becasue I have to make sure that she's safe.

I used my arms as support to get up and walked by the wall leaning on it because I couldn't even stand on my own feet walking down the stairs I smelled something familiar pancakes?

But how? It couldn't be right or am I dreaming?

I walked slowly to the kitchen with every atom in my body wishing to see her in the kitchen making the pancakes she will comment on how shit I look right now but then she'll smile and kiss me anyway even though I smell like alcohol and it will be normal again.

I kept walking slowly and got my heart broken when I saw Armin instead stupid Eren what were you thinking.

"Good morning....Eren are you ok?" I must have showed how disappointed I was

"Yeah yeah good morning Armin"

"I finally put her back to sleep" I turned around to find Annie looking a little exhausted

"Oh good morning Eren"

"Good morning Annie"

I turned around to grab a cup of water I swallowed it in one time and I refilled it I could keep drinking water but I felt like I could puke everything out so I leaned on the counter breathing slowly so I can keep my head from spinning around and keep my stomach from ejecting everything out, I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder I looked over my shoulder it was Armin his face looked so tired he had black circles under his eyes looks like he doesn't get good sleep but despite that he had the same warm smile he always wears to make me feel better.

And it was working.

"Hey I made you some pancakes and coffee as well I was about to wake you up because it's eleven" Armin sat the plate and the coffee in front of a chair which I sat on

"Why did you get drunk again Reiner called me yesterday when he brought you back here"

"Did she cause you any trouble?" I asked avoiding his question Armin let out a little sigh then he went back to that smile that was on his face.

"No Eren she's a little angel" Armin answered so I nodded and started eating a little I wasn't feeling like eating anything at all but I didn't want to be an ass and refuse it after what Armin did although I could feel Annie looking at me then Armin exchanged looks with her like he's begging her to not talk until she gave up letting out a sigh of defeat.

"How is Levi doing?" I looked up and saw both of them looking shocked as if I asked something weird "I haven't seen him since you know"

"Oh he.. he is doing good I think he's hanging in there it will take time too you know but Erwin and Hanji say that he'll be alright"

"Mhm and Sasha?"

"Not so well but she's trying"

"And you Armin?"

Armin's eyes widened then he looked down

"I..I don't know I still can't believe it"

"You should have at least let us be with you until the end or you know what it doesn't matter you shouldn't have at least let Armin be with you two isn't he your close friend" 

"Annie now is not the time please"

"Ok but when is the time Armin whe.."

"Please Annie"

A sigh from Annie again I turned back to my plate after nodding and it was silence but this silence suffocates me it makes me hate every single breath I take because with her there was never this silence _never_ instead there was jokes, normal talks and even arguments but never this suffocating silence.

"Are you planning to go back to work soon?"

"Annie.." Armin turned looking at Annie as if he was scolding her for her question that shouldn't be asked but she was looking at me dead in the eye

"I will I just need time"

Silence again but this time it was interrupted by a sweet little cry Annie was about to get up but I got up instead I needed to get out of this place of this silence of Annie's looks and Armin's worry and all these unfamiliar events that's been happening lately.

I went inside the room and I could see the tiny figure jumping up and down in the crib I turned on the light and as soon as she saw me she gave me the sweetest smile ever and I couldn't help but smile back.

I walked to the crib and stood in front of it looking at the tiny baby who was standing on her feet with the help of her hands while leaning on the crib she was still smiling.

"Irma do you know that you look like your mother?" She let out a giggle I rested my hands on the crib looking at Irma with a smile on my face I felt my eyes sting a little "you have her hair the same black hair she had, you even have the same grey sparkly eyes and her sweet smile" I felt a tear escaping from my eye I wiped it away and tried to replace it with a smile instead she wouldn't want me to cry now she would want me to stay strong in front of our daughter.

I felt then a gentle touch on my other hand it was Irma she placed both her hands on mine like she's comforting me.

"You're even kind and caring like her" I picked Irma up placing her face in front of mine while resting her body on my arm "I am glad Mikasa made it to your first birthday even though you won't remember it but she was so happy" Irma's hands found it's way to my face gently brushing her little hands over my cheeks to my chin observing my face with her grey sparkling eyes that reminded me so much of Mikasa it's like I never lost her.

* * *

"You know you can go home and relax or do your thing you don't have to worry about me"

  
"Are you sure Eren? I mean I am fine with staying with you and Irma and Annie doesn't mind it too"

"It's ok Armin please you look tired and you've been coming here all week"

"But.."

"Don't worry I am not going out with Reiner today if that's what you're thinking, go home and rest now"

"If you say so Eren, take care please and if you needed anything call me"

"I will Armin don't worry Irma say bye to uncle Armin and aunt Annie" I held Irma's hand waving to Armin and Annie who both smiled when Irma let out a giggle

"The milk is in the fridge make sure it's warm before you feed her and if you need anything call me"

"Thank you Annie I can handle it don't worry, now go relax I was a trouble for the two of you get some rest"

"See you later Eren"

And it's back to silence again but this time it was me and Irma only.

* * *

  
Everything seems empty now and all I ever feel is cold, the warmth she always brought to this house disappeared the day she left me _no_ the day she left us and this house I look over at Irma who was playing with the legos she was smiling so happily and again I couldn't help but smile if it weren't for Irma I would have gone insane even though I am not near of being stable but seeing her reminds me that it's not over yet and I have to be there for her, she's my daughter and I made a promise to Mikasa that I will never break.

I sat on the ground next to Irma watching her play in hope that I could ignore this void I feel in my chest this emptiness but instead I see her kneeling next to Irma putting a hand on her shoulder and helping her build the lego tower with the other hand, I stopped myself from blinking in fear that she'll disappear she was so pretty just like how she used to look she was wearing this blue summer dress with floral print her hair was tall again falling over her shoulders framing her beautiful face she then turned her face into my direction her eyes so clear they were shining a sweet smile appeared on her face a smile that made me feel that my heart was about to pop out of my chest I felt the tears escape my eyes like a river, I felt the sting in my eyes from the amount of time I kept them open I didn't want to give in I didn't want to lose her again I didn't want her to disappear but I gave in eventually I blink for a second and when I opened my eyes she wasn't there anymore and it was back to being me and Irma only.

* * *

I fed Irma, changed her and then put her to sleep and now I was laying on the cold bed staring at the ceiling I turned around to the empty side of the bed that Mikasa used to sleep on I turn away again letting out a sigh, I tried to close my eyes to sleep but I kept seeing her

Her pale face

How tired she looked

The bags under her eyes

How she became so skinny

How she spent her last days laying in bed

How lifeless she was

I open my eyes wide I was panting that was too much for me I don't want to remember her like that not like that, I won't be able to sleep at all this was so I'll drink myself to sleep this is the only way I can avoid seeing her like that

The only way I can forget that she never left.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This idea has been haunting me since forever I had to stop writing another story to start that.  
> I got this way of writing inspired from a book I read called "This is where the world ends."  
> I really hope that you like this concept it will be heavy angst but I swear there will be good moments.  
> Please leave a comment telling me your opinion about it, it will mean alot and check out my other works.  
> See you soon <3


	2. The doughnut box

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patience isn't the best quality of the human being especially when it comes to life changing news

**Before**

**February,2018**

**Mikasa**

  
I have been laying next to Eren for a while now watching him sleeping, he looks the most peaceful this time eyes closing face relaxed and a smile is drawn on his face every once in a while I wonder if he's dreaming of me I smiled to the idea because knowing Eren he is definitely dreaming about me.

I ran my fingers through his brown hair it made him move a little closer to me and the smile on his face got wider and automatically mine does too.

I got closer and kissed his cheek gently to not wake him up but as I did I felt strong arms around my body his eyes opened slowly and his arms brought my body closer to his

"Good morning sleeping beauty" I tease him and I earn a little giggle from him

"Good morning love how was your sleep?"

"Ehh not so good but I got to watch you sleep again" I say drawing circles with my finger on his chest, his expressions stiffed a little into more serious one

"Mikasa it's been a week you haven't got a good sleep maybe we should see if something is wrong"

"It's ok Eren I am just tired maybe that's why I can't get a good rest I work alot and I am thinking alot also the baby thing is stressing me out a little so maybe that's it"

"We don't need to have a baby now Mikasa we have a long time ahead of us"

"No Eren don't worry about me please I really want a baby now we talked about it"

"But your health is more important"

"I know and I am ok really" I smiled then I leaned in to kiss him he kissed me back still holding me we have been kissing for few minutes now until we were interrupted by my stomach growl which made Eren laugh

"C'mon I'll make you the most amazing breakfast you've ever eaten" Eren got up quickly from the bed carrying me bridal style and walking to the kitchen I locked my arms around his neck as he took me down the stairs talking about what he could make me for breakfast and stuff like this reminds me why I fell in love with him.

He was always this sweet and caring even when we were friends he was always defending me and Armin protecting us and making sure that he was there for us all the time.

Eren's the type of friend who takes care of others more than himself.

"Now I will make you the most amazing scrumbled eggs you have ever had" Eren said putting me down on the chair I rested my head on my hand watching him go through the kitchen to make us breakfast even though he was being a little messy but I couldn't help but smile and let out a giggle as he kept talking about every step he was making as if he was on a cooking show.

"What's so funny?" Eren turned around smiling holding the bowl of eggs with an arm and whisking it with the other hand

"Did you ever consider quitting being a doctor and having your own cooking show?"

"Haha very funny"

"I am serious, it kind of suits you being a chef wearing an apron with the bun it will look hot on you" I said biting my lower lip he got closer to me with a smirk on his face

"So you like me as a chef?"

"Mhhm very much" Eren got closer to me connecting his lips into mine into a passionate soft kiss but then my stomach growled so Eren broke the kiss laughing

"Better not keep my cooking fan waiting" Eren turned around walking back to the cooker ready to make the eggs

"You know what I'd rather you stay a doctor"

"What changed your mind now?"

"Well other girls will probably watch you because of your look and there will be alot of them and probably one of them will be better than me so no I'd rather have you to myself only"

"Love no one could ever take me away from you, besides I'd love to have you as my only fan you have a special access to my cooking show" Eren turned around winking at me "ok then last thing to do in this dish is to serve it to your lovely beautiful wife" he out the eggs on a plate next to pieces of bread and placed the plate in front of me

"It smells amazing" I took a deep breath Eren sat in front of me watching my reaction as I took a bite  
"It tastes amazing too thank you Eren" I know it's a simple dish of scrambled eggs but I was melting it was so good and I think Eren noticed that I was enjoying it too much because he giggled

"Anything to you Mikasa"

* * *

  
The worst time of the day is when Eren leaves for work he's a doctor in the ER so his schedule is so crazy sometimes and everyday I send him off not knowing when will he come back sometimes early sometimes very late and when something crazy happens he could be absent for two days.

The thing is I am fine with staying alone but it's just that he pushes himself so much and then breaks suddenly and it's bad it happened four times and they were the worst experience I couldn't know what to do for him he would shut himself out and not talk or eat or do anything and I hated every time I saw him like that so I keep reminding him to take a break since last time was the worst and thank god that Reiner and Jean are with him so they could remind him too.

"Be careful Eren make sure to eat lunch"

"Don't worry about me, you too be careful don't forget to eat too and make sure to rest a little since you didn't get enough sleep" we kissed one time before Eren got his keys and left.

I sigh looking at the clock it was still pretty early maybe I could take a cold shower to relax it might help me sleep.

Sleeping lately has been hard not only the amount of sleep but also the amount of time I take to fall alseep I think everything around me makes me tired lately me and Eren have been trying for a baby for a while now and we thought I was a couple of times but every time was a disappointment and we would both be upset for the rest of the day plus I have been working on the spring collection lately and it's been stressing me out because it has to be perfect.

I took a shower letting all these thoughts drain away with the water then I went to lay on bed closing my eyes trying to sleep I already closed any source of light so it was all dark inside then before sleeping I checked my phone ok it's 7:30 let's see when will I wake up.

After a while I drifted to sleep and when I opened my eyes I saw it was 9 well about an hour and half that's better than nothing.

I decided to get up to get some work done I got a notification on my phone since I want to have a baby I have been keeping track on my period using this app I bought the notification that I am a week and a half late well it's the fourth time it said that but sure I'll see if it's legit this time.

I texted Sasha to buy me pregnancy tests when she finishes her work, I wanted to wait for Eren but I can't see him get disappointed while also trying to comfort me and it could be like the last times just a fake alert.

I might have to change the rating of this app then.

After Sasha texted me back saying sure I went to my studio room Eren made sure that we have this room in our home when I told him I wanted to pursue fashion he made sure to turn the largest room in the house into a studio so I would feel comfortable in it and that was one of the many reasons why I fell for him.

I decided to start on some of the sketchs that I already drew instead of sketching more, I have a small company that I run with few people to help me and now I am preparing for the spring collection, it's been a long journey to get to where I am now and I wouldn't have done it without the support of everyone around me especially Eren and Levi.

And I am glad that I made it this far.

* * *

It's been few hours and I didn't feel them pass until I heard the door bell so I guess it must be Sasha, I put the pins away and walked to open the door for Sasha who was holding three bags in her hands which I assume were filled with pregnancy tests I sure hope not because these will be alot.

"Sasha you didn't need to buy all the pregnancy tests you know"

"I know silly I only bought three tests to make sure and I bought snacks along with it healthy snacks like tiny carrots if it turned positive and ice cream and chips if it turned negative"

"Aww thank you Sasha but I think I can eat both no matter what the result is"

"Nope if it's positive you take the healthy stuff and I get the other bag and if it's negative we'll switch"

"Ok ok as you say" I giggled and she joined me she sat the things on the table she turned around looking at me with a smile on her face as of she was rushing me to do the tests already

"Do you want anything to drink?"

"No no I got plenty of stuff just go pee in these tests already I am nervous" she gave me the bag that had the tests she bought

"Sasha you're making me nervous don't let me regret telling you instead of Eren I don't want you to be disappointed if it turned out negative"

"But I have a good feeling this time Mikasa I am sure that you're pregnant"

"Please don't be this excited it might be just like everytime"

"Oh c'mon don't be that negative I feel that there is something this time and I bet you feel it too"

She didn't lie I feel it too I have a strong feeling this time not only I get tired but I started to avoid certain smells that I used to like and believe it or it I feel that there is something inside of me but I won't let this effect me I can't be disappointed again and I can't let Eren be bothered with me on top of everything else he has.

"Let's go to the bathroom"

"Ooh I am so nervous" I looked at Sasha immediately to make her realize what she just said "oh shit sorry sorry I'll keep my mouth shut"

I went to the bathroom did what I was supposed to do with the tests and now the hard part now we wait for the results

Wait,

Wait,

And wait

And it's time I looked at Sasha she looked so nervous maybe more nervous than me.

"Take a deep breath and then look at them"

I did as she said then I looked at the tests

Positive

Positive

Positive

The three tests read positive I put my hand on my mouth shocked and happy, happy tears started running down my cheeks Sasha on the other hand was screaming jumping up and down then she came closer to me hugging me I held her tight 

"Mikasa you're going to be a mom"

"I am going to be a mom"

We cried in each other's arms then Sasha pulled away

"Ok ok no more crying we don't want the baby to feel it"

"Yeah yeah you're probably right" I wiped my tears away and so did Sasha

" Now how will you tell Eren do you have something planned?"

"I don't know I never thought about it"

"Don't worry let's go downstairs eat our snacks and you can google how to do it and choose your best way"

* * *

We settled on the couch Sasha gave each her snack bag I let her choose whatever she wanted to play on tv and googled how to tell your husband that you're pregnant.

An article came as the first result the title was "50 memorable ways to tell you're husband that you're pregnant" this looks promising

Number one: clue hunt  
Nah I won't let him come back from god knows how long shift just to make him go all over the place searching for clues

Number two: a surprise box  
This looks good maybe I could do it but I'll look for other ways too

A key chain

A carved spoon?

A massage

A photoshoot??

I let out a sigh so Sasha looked at me

"Nothing yet?" Sasha crawled closer to me on the couch stuffing her head in front of my phone screen

"Not so far they're all like too much and you know I like to keep it simple but I don't want it just to be hey I am pregnant"

"Let me take a look" Sasha took my phone and looked through the list from the start until she reached one she seemed to like

Number 16: Sweeten the news  
Basically you get a box of any sweets and write on the inside of it

"It's cute, it's simple and you get to share doughnuts together at the end of the day"

"Yeah I think it's good let's go buy some doughnuts."

* * *

Sasha had left after we got the doughnuts and hung out for a while so I went back to working with a wide smile on my face and I let my hand slide to my stomach touching the small being that's growing inside of me.

Eren then texted me that he was coming back and he offered to get pizza as dinner so I waited for him impatiently I was excited and nervous to get his reaction but I'll have to wait until we finish dinner first.

I heard the door nob twist and Eren came holding two boxes of pizza

"Mika I am back"

"Welcome back Eren how was your day?" I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him before he could give me an answer

"It was good not too much crazy stuff happened so it was kind of a chill day"

"That's good to hear"

"And you how was your day?"

"Good I got to rest a little then I worked oh and Sasha came to hang out"

"That's nice Mikasa I am glad you got to rest too"

We sat down to eat while catching up on the anime we're watching I was quite because I was so nervous and this goddamned pizza doesn't seem like it will end soon I ate so fast just so I could just show him the doughnut box.

"Mikasa are you ok?"

"Yeah I am fine why are you asking?" I tried to talk mouth full of food which caused Eren to laugh

"Then you seem to be so hungry calm down you'll choke" I blushed a little which caused Eren to giggle

"Why are you in such a hurry?" Eren handed me a cup of water to help me swallow all this food in my mouth

"I bought doughnuts and I wanted to eat them with you"

"Ok then bring the doughnuts"

"No no finish eating first"

"I am full plus I want to leave some space for the doughnuts"

"Ok" I got up to grab the doughnuts box I took a deep breath first then I went back to Eren and handed him the box my hands were shaking I hope he didn't notice this when I handed him the box

"Why did you hand me the box?"

"Just open it and give me one" I sat close to Eren looking at his face to watch his reaction he turned around to face me

"Mikasa are you sure you're ok you're acting a little weird"

"I am ok, didn't you see a girl excited about doughnuts before and I am letting you choose first" I spread a smile on my face to reassure him he still looked a little worried but then he turned around and opened the box I felt my heart was about to pop out of my chest

"W.. what, eat up daddy mommy can't be the one with a belly baby yeager...is coming" Eren's eyes widened he kept staring at the words written inside the box "M..Mikasa" Eren turned around to look at me with a shocked face

"Congratulations Eren you're going to be a father" I said with a tear escaping from my eyes he leaned in immediately kissing me then he broke the kiss wrapping his arms around me body while I wrapped mine around his neck crying again and I could feel his wet tears on my body too

"We're going to be parents" Eren said leaning his forehead against mine

"We're going to be parents"


	3. Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There is nothing to regret - either for those who go or for those who are left behind"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I edited the date on the last chapter because I had messed it up lol it should be 2018 instead of 2017
> 
> Also the italic text is a flashback

**After**  
**October** **,2020**  
**Eren**

I woke up with an awful headache again I slowly opened my eyes and looked around to realize that I wasn't on the bed in fact I was in the living room I probably passed out drinking I scratched my eyes to help myself wake up quickly then I heard crying coming from Irma's room so I forced myself to get up as quickly as possible and walked to her room upstairs as I walked closer I could hear her crying better and it didn't do any good to my headache.

"Good morning princess" Irma mumbled something I counted it as is she's saying good morning back to me  
"You must be hungry how about I make you the most amazing breakfast you ever had" I picked Irma up walked to the kitchen and sat her on her highchair "you know I used to do that to your mom too, she always loved the little cooking show I made for her so I hope when you grow up you like them too" I gave her a kiss on her temple before I put her down and turn around to prepare her some breakfast I haven't been taking care of Irma alone especially on Mikasa's last moments but I learned few stuff by watching Annie do it.

After giving Irma her food and seeing that she was eating it happily I took a painkiller and decided to make some coffee and a sandwich to eat I sat down across from her I was depressed, hungover, barely eating, have an awful headache, barely holding myself basically I was just a walking corpse but looking at Irma when she is happy and giggly kept me sane her giggles sound like a beautiful song and her smile made her look even more beautiful it's not fair that she'll have to grow up without a loving mother without Mikasa next to her but then again looking at myself now I am glad she won't have to live with this pain, the pain of knowing Mikasa and losing her forever I am also glad she didn't get to see Mikasa in her last days, the way she looked, the way she was lifeless I am glad Irma won't get to remember her like that, instead I will show her the Mikasa I knew the Mikasa I fell in love with.

I noticed that Irma finished eating but she got herself so dirty so I decided to give her a bath and put her into a cute dress Mikasa once bought for her before cleaning the kitchen once I was done I had nothing to do I was about to dive into my own world of daydreams, memories, regret and pain as I have been doing for a while now but I was interrupted by a knock on the door and to my surprise it was Jean.

I am actually pretty close to Jean even before we worked together I have been close to him since we meet even though we used to fight alot, he was also close to me and Mikasa and very supportive despite his feelings, we all knew about his feelings for Mikasa even me and Mikasa so I thought he would lock himself like what most of us is doing now.

"Hey Jean come in" I moved from the door to let him in he went straight to Irma picking her up and giving her a kiss on the cheek

"She looks more like her now" Jean said stroking Irma's hair

"Yeah, do you want something to drink?"

"No thank you" 

Jean took a seat with Irma sitting on his leg and I sat on the chair across from his it was silent now I didn't know if I should ask him why was he here or if I should wait for him to talk first, I decided to break the ice just to get to what he wants.

"How are you feeling Jean?" His eyes turned from Irma to me

"I should be the one asking you this"

"Mikasa was your friend too and I know you loved her" his gaze went back to Irma again not meeting my eyes when he answered saying "not good and you?"

"Trying to keep it together for Irma"

Jean nodded followed by another silence but it was soon filled with Irma's laughs playing with Jean's hands it put a smile on my face as to Jean too 

"I shouldn't have left her" Jean mumbled to himself

"what did you say?" 

"I..we shouldn't have left her, we should have stayed with her until the end" Jean said raising his voice a little not to scare Irma but it grabbed her attention anyways because she looked at Jean and stopped playing.

"It was her wish Jean"

"Well fuck that she let you stay by her side too why not us I.. I wanted to be by her side too" Jean lowered his voice in the last part but I heard it anyway

"I am sorry she..she didn't want you to see her like that and you should be glad you didn't Jean you get to remember her the way she used to be very beautiful and alive not like how she looked after"

Jean didn't talk he only looked at me and I paused for a moment trying to stop my tears that I felt in my eyes

"You're lucky Jean because I wish I could forget how she looked like in her last moments"

"But still we could have helped you... We could have helped her"

"No one could help her Jean not even me I only watched I couldn't save her I couldn't help her" I turned my hands into a fist trying to stop the tears from escaping my eyes and failing miserably

"I am sorry I shouldn't have came" his voice was cracking which means that he was crying too Jean put Irma on the floor then walked out closing the door behind him while I was still crying hard from all the memories the came back to my head after this conversation with Jean I always saw it every time I went to bed every time I closed my eyes I always saw her lifeless body laying on the hospital bed a sob came out of my mouth then I felt gentle taps on my leg Irma was moving her hand gently comforting me her eyes filled with concern that shouldn't be felt from a one year old I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and left Irma up to hug her she wrapped her tiny arms around my head brushing my hair with her little fingers

  
"I am sorry Irma daddy won't cry again I am sorry" I held her tight taking her beautiful smell in my nose to calm me down and placing a kiss on her cheek before looking at her

"Hey Irma how about we go get some fresh air?" Irma smiled as if she understood each word I said, sometimes I think that I talk to Irma way too much, I even used to complain to her as if she understands me but then her actions are always comforting to me and she always seems like she listens and understands each and every word I say and knows how comfort me and make me feel better.

I washed my face before taking Irma and going out, I held her as I walked aimlessly in the streets wondering where will my feet take me and of course I ended up in a very similar place near the lake

"Irma this is the place where me, your mom and uncle Armin used to hang out all the time"I took a deep breath before I could continue "this place ment so much to me to the three of us it witnessed our growing up, our love stories" I said looking around in each spot I recalled a memory, where Armin used to read us books, where the three of us would talk and stare into the sky, where Armin told us about Annie being his crush, where I realized I like Mikasa and where I took Mikasa for our first date.

So many great memories.

"This is actually where I first confessed to your mom and took her on our first date I know it's not fancy but it means alot to us so we loved the date, of course you're still very young for that little miss you won't date until you're twenty or something so forget about that" Irma giggled as she saw a duck swimming in the lake which caused me to smile

I took Irma to sit down where me, Mikasa and Armin used to sit all the time a breeze of air caused the stray strands of my hair and Irma's dress to move with it

"Mikasa or your mom had a date one time so me and Armin came here to hang out just to see her coming back half an hour after we got here, she looked absolutely stunning I still remember the dress it was a short black one with sheer long sleeves he hair was curly and she wore a red lipstick that made her look even more stunning"

" _I_ _got_ _stood_ _up_ _he_ _never_ _showed_ _up_ _and_ _I_ _don't_ _think_ _he_ _was_ _planning_ _to_ _"_

 _"_ _What_ _do_ _you_ _mean_ _by_ _that_ _?"_ _Armin_ _beat_ _me_ _to_ _the_ _question_

 _"_ _It_ _was_ _a_ _joke_ _or_ _prank_ _or_ _whatever_ _sick_ _move_ _this_ _was_ _I_ _knew_ _from_ _his_ _friends_ _who_ _were_ _there_ _at_ _the_ _restaurant_ _to_ _laugh_ _at_ _me_ _"_

 _"_ _What_ _the_ _fuck_ _! I_ _am_ _going_ _to_ _beat_ _the_ _shit_ _out_ _of_ _them_ _how_ _dare_ _they_ _" I_ _got_ _up_ _quickly_ _walking_ _away_ _I_ _will_ _never_ _forgive_ _them_ _for_ _what_ _they_ _did_ _and_ _I'll_ _make_ _sure_ _they_ _all_ _regret_ _it_ _for_ _playing_ _with_ _Mikasa_ _like_ _that_ _as_ _I_ _was_ _about_ _to_ _walk_ _I_ _felt_ _a_ _soft_ _gentle_ _touch_ _on_ _my_ _wrist_ _it_ _was_ _Mikasa's_

 _"_ _Don't_ _bother_ _yourself_ _Eren_ _please_ _I_ _already_ _did_ _what_ _will_ _make_ _me_ _feel_ _better_ _and_ _I_ _am_ _ok_ _don't_ _worry_ _" I_ _sat_ _back_ _down_ _and_ _decided_ _to_ _ignore_ _this_ _for_ _now_ _just_ _for_ _her_ _but_ _I_ _wasn't_ _planning_ _on_ _letting_ _them_ _be_ _, I_ _have_ _never_ _felt_ _this_ _anger_ _before_ _and_ _I_ _will_ _never_ _forgive_ _someone_ _for_ _doing_ _this_ _to_ _Mikasa_ _because_ _even_ _though_ _she_ _said_ _she_ _was_ _ok_ _me_ _and_ _Armin_ _knew_ _damn_ _well_ _that_ _she_ _wasn't_ _,_ _she_ _was_ _looking_ _away_ _,_ _she_ _didn't_ _talk_ _too_ _much_ _,_ _she_ _didn't_ _smile_ _like_ _her_ _usual_ _self_ _and_ _I_ _even_ _saw_ _her_ _wipe_ _tears_ _from_ _her_ _eyes_ _every_ _once_ _in_ _a_ _while_ _but_ _to_ _respect_ _her_ _and_ _change_ _her_ _mood_ _Armin_ _continued_ _to_ _talk_ _about_ _the_ _new_ _book_ _he_ _was_ _reading_ _but_ _I_ _couldn't_ _take_ _my_ _eyes_ _or_ _mind_ _off_ _of_ _sad_ _Mikasa_ _so I_ _interrupted_ _Armin_

 _"_ _Mikasa_ _let_ _me_ _take_ _you_ _out_ _then_ _and_ _I_ _promise_ _you_ _to_ _have_ _the_ _time_ _of_ _your_ _life_ _" I_ _got_ _up_ _and_ _stretched_ _my_ _hand_ _out_ _waiting_ _for_ _Mikasa_ _to_ _take_ _it_ _I_ _felt_ _a_ _sting_ _and_ _heat_ _on_ _my_ _cheeks_ _and_ _even_ _though_ _it_ _was_ _dark_ _but_ _I_ _could_ _Mikasa's_ _cheeks_ _turn_ _into_ _a_ _bright_ _pink_ _as_ _she_ _took_ _my_ _hand_ _I_ _could_ _feel_ _the_ _smirk_ _on_ _Armin's_ _face_ _because_ _he_ _always_ _thought_ _we_ _were_ _acting_ _like_ _we're_ _more_ _than_ _friends_ _and_ _he_ _was_ _sure_ _that_ _we_ _loved_ _eachother_ _not_ _even_ _like_ _no_ _he_ _thought_ _we_ _were_ _in_ _love_ _, I_ _am_ _sure_ _I'll_ _get_ _one_ _of_ _his_ _teasing_ _talks_ _soon_ _but_ _I_ _didn't_ _care_ _I_ _hate_ _to_ _see_ _Mikasa_ _sad_ _and_ _I_ _needed_ _to_ _change_ _that_ _._

 _"_ _Just_ _let_ _me_ _pass_ _by_ _my_ _house_ _to_ _change_ _then_ _we_ _can_ _go_ _, I_ _know_ _a_ _good_ _place_ _to_ _match_ _our_ _outfits_ _"_

 _"_ _Thank_ _you_ _Eren_ _"_ _we_ _waved_ _bye_ _to_ _Armin_ _then_ _we_ _started_ _to_ _walk_ _away_ _when_ _we_ _heard_ _Armin_ _shout_

 _"_ _Have_ _fun_ _with_ _your_ _date_ _lovebirds_ _"_

"That day was the most fun I had with your mom we made each other laugh we talked about literally everything I treated her a nice meal in a fancy restaurant I held her hand and gave her a kiss on the cheek when I said goodbye we both had so much fun and when I went back home I realized I never had such a fun time like this in a date ever so I put one and two together and I realized that Armin could actually be right maybe I loved Mikasa"

I closed my eyes taking another deep breath

"When you get a little older I'll tell you how I told her i love her and I'll tell you more about your mom because she's the most amazing person I have ever met and I am sure you'll turn out like her" I pulled Irma closer to me closing my eyes I took a deep breath letting the breeze of wind into my lungs hoping it could take away some of the heaviness I have in my chest and replace this void inside of me

"mama" Irma cought me off guard saying her first word

"Irma can you repeat that again?"

"mama" Irma said followed by giggles as she played with my hair that was moved by the wind I couldn't help but smile so wide kissing the top of her head, her giggles and her voice made me forget for a moment what was happening in my life.


	4. Grandpa Levi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's a better way to share exciting news than having a barbeque

**Before**  
**February,201** **8**  
**Mikasa**

This night was very exciting for both me and Eren, Eren is already sure that we'll have a girl saying that he wants to have a mini version of myself and a girl will always be better than a boy I think he's just scared if we have a boy he'll get his rebellious attitude when he was a child but he just won't admit it.

Eren had turned into a whole different person too, I mean he was always sweet and caring but seems like this news made him even more sweet and caring which I didn't think it could happen.

He didn't let me carry anything yesterday at all and he even carried me to bed.

Now we were cuddling in bed trying to sleep, Eren was the big spoon holding me closer to him while placing his hands on my soon to be belly.

"We still need to see a doctor to make sure that the baby is healthy"

"Of course tomorrow let's go to the hospital and we'll goo see the doctor" Eren whispered in my ears then he placed a kiss on my ear which made me smile and go even closer to have taking his warmth

"When will we tell the others?"

"We could invite them all tomorrow for dinner, me, Jean and Reiner don't have a shift tomorrow and it's a weekend so we'll invite our parents, our friends basically everyone who would want to know"

"Won't dinner be too much I mean who will cook the food for all these people don't you remember last time" I giggled typical Eren, whenever something exciting happens he would want to tell the news to people through dinner all at the same time and then he would regret it after because he got too tired it happened when we got engaged we made a barbeque and invited everyone to share the news with them it was great seeing their reactions live but Eren got too tired that day so he said he won't do it again.

"I know what I said before but it will be better this way, we'll have them help us, we'll spend great time then we'll give them the news"

"Sure baby just don't push yourself too much and let others help you grilling this time"

I heard Eren chuckle before saying "fine I will but not Levi ok he gets grumpy whenever I don't use his grilling technique"

"Ok I'll keep Levi busy for you"

"That's why I love you" I giggled as he gave me another kiss on my ear before getting up

"Hey where are you going?" He got up which made me already miss his warmth I turned around and saw him picking up his phone

"We should let them know today right?" He turned around with a smile on his face "I'll tell my parents and I'll text the guys in the group chat you just call Levi"

"Wait let me make sure that Sasha won't say a word first because she knows"

And that's how we spent the next thirty minutes calling our parents and texting our friends about the barbeque tomorrow it wasn't too late it was still 10:30 but because it's hard for me to sleep Eren came up with the idea that I would take a shower before bed then we'll cuddle so he could help me relax and that's how I should fall asleep fast, it didn't do much for me infact I think it made Eren fall asleep faster but it made me relax too and Eren holding me helped me even more as it stopped me from turning around on each side multiple times trying to sleep.

After we called and texted everyone we went back to our cuddling position, before drifting to sleep.

Well Eren did as for me it took me a while to follow him but his breathing, his hold and his heart beat made me calm and later I joined him sleeping.

* * *

Next morning I was the one who woke up from a gentle touch on my face

"Hey good morning" I said as I opened my eyes slowly revealing a smiling Eren with sleepy eyes

"Good morning Mika" he placed a kiss on my cheek which made me smile, mornings like these make me forget the lack of sleep I had the night before

"Have you been awake for too long?" I ran my thumb across of his cheekbone

"No I just woke up, but I was lucky to catch your sleeping face before you woke up" he put his hand above of mine "how did you sleep last night?"

"I woke up in the middle of my sleep multiple times but I managed to go back to sleep thanks to your embrace"

"We really should go to a doctor to check that Mika"

"Eren I told you I am fine really it could be just the baby" I pushed few of his strands behind his ear "we should get up now we have a long day ahead of us" I smiled but a frown was drawn on Eren's face

"Aww but I want to cuddle more with you" 

"Me too but we have a barbeque to prepare for"

"Fine but you won't escape from me tonight" he gave me a quick kiss on the lips before getting up quickly, I soon followed him out of bed.

"Eren, what do you want for breakfast?"

"Whatever you make babe" I decided to make quick sandwiches but somehow it got me a little tired probably because of the lack of sleep lately and to add to that I am pregnant so it must be tiring me even in the first few months right?

"Hey Mikasa you ok?" We were eating the breakfast and I think Eren could see through me

"Yeah I am fine just a little tired"

"You want to cancel the barbeque today, we can make it later or we can just call them"

"No Eren it's fine don't worry about me" 

"I'll have to ask your doctor about this tired you feel"

"Eren really there is nothing to worry about it's just the lack of sleep and pregnancy"

"I have to make sure too" he held my hand and pull it to his lips before placing a gentle kiss on it.

After breakfast we both took a shower and got ready to go out, we took Eren's car and he drove us to the hospital.

* * *

I will be lying if I said I wasn't nervous while waiting in the reception and I could tell that Eren was as nervous as I was because when he held my hand it was so cold and his leg was moving up and down rapidly while I was hardly breathing.

I know all the tests said positive but I couldn't help but feel it could be another disappointment, we had so many so why would this be different.

"Mikasa Ackreman" I heard my name get called and my heart beating increased even more I felt Eren's hand tighten around mine and yeah I still have my family name me and Eren decided that we both should keep our family names because it wouldn't matter anyway.

"Yeah" I answered standing up along with Eren

"Doctor Petra is waiting for you" the nurse guided us to the room 

"Mikasa, Eren it's nice to see you"

"Nice to see you too Petra" Eren said taking a seat and I sat beside him

"How are you Petra?"

"I am doing great, I am glad to see you guys here again so what are you guys here for this time a check up?" 

We came to Petra when we started thinking about having a baby and we've been with her ever since especially that the pregnancy was delayed so we did tests took medicine and all these stuff she helped us with them, she also happened to be a fan of Levi's writing.

"Well I took three tests yesterday and they all came positive so we want to come here to check"

"Let's get you ready then" I walked with Petra and lay down while she out that cold goo on my stomach and started moving it while a black and white video started on the monitor Eren was next to me holding my hand I started to lose hope of having a baby because Petra stayed silent for a long time and we couldn't see anything on the monitor I think Eren felt it because his grab tightened around my hand and when I looked up to him he was giving me his reassuring smile.

"Congratulations you're three weeks pregnant you can see your baby here" Petra said pointing at a tiny circle on the monitor, I felt overwhelmed my hands were shaking, my heart was beating so loud, tears were rolling down my face and I couldn't stop the grin from forming on my lips, I was happy like I was never before.  
I looked at Eren who was looking at me, he was the same happy mess I wad tears on his cheeks a grin on his face and before I knew it he pulled me into a tight hug wrapping his arms around my body while I wrapped mine around his neck.

"So this is our baby" Eren broke the hug with a hand still put around my body and he used his other hand to wipe his tears away

"The baby is still so tiny but soon we'll get to determine the gender congratulations again I'll leave you for a moment now I'll be in my office when you're done"

"Look Eren our baby is so tiny"

"Our little princess will grow up to be just like you"

"Little princess? You still think it's a girl" I turned my head around from the monitor to look at Eren

"Well yeah I want it to be a girl but either way I'll be happy as long as they all turn out to be like you I'll be even more than happy" Eren then placed a kiss on my head, we decided we shouldn't keep Petra waiting more so I clean up and we went to her

"Your baby looks healthy nothing seems wrong we'll have you to come for a monthly cheek up until your 28 th week and if you have anything to complain about you can call me at any time I don't mind it"

"Thank you Petra just one thing Mikasa has been getting tired lately and lacks sleep is it because of the pregnancy or is it something else?"

"No it's totally normal during the early months her body has many hormonal changes that causes her to be tired because she is now eating for two and it causes the blood sugar levels and blood pressure to be lower so it's normal don't worry about it"

"Thank you Petra"

"Congratulations again guys, say hi to Levi for me if you saw him"

"We will"

Me and Eren left to the car after she gave us a picture of the altra sound

"See Eren I told you it's fine"

"I know I know I just had to make sure ok" he gave me a kiss on the head before starting the engine and heading to the supermarket to buy what we need for the barbeque

* * *

It's been few hours now and we've got everything ready, and they all came so we were sitting in our backyard, Eren was grilling with the help of Jean, while Armin, Connie and Reiner were chatting together, Bert, Zeke and Annie were also chatting, Sasha and Nicolo offered to make the salads and dressings, Eren's parents were talking with Hanji and Erwin while I was sitting with Levi.

"So how is work going so far Mika?" levi said taking a sip from his beer

"It's good I am working on a new collection and my brand is slightly getting recognized"

"I am happy for you kid you really deserve that and even more" he ruffled my hair which made me chuckle

"Levi I am not a kid anymore, but thank you I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you and you know that"

Levi pointed at me with the hand he's holding the beer with"Well first you will always be a kid to me don't think that being married will ever change that" he then took a sip from the cold beer before he continued to talk "second it was all you, your hard work is what got you here and your husband's support too"

"You were here to support me before Eren you know"

Levi was the one who adopted me when my parents died, since my parents had to run away from their families to be together I had no one to take care of me but luckily there was Levi, I didn't see him as much before the incident but since he was the only relative I can think of I told the police officer his name and since Levi has a soft heart -which he won't let anyone know about by the way- he couldn't leave me alone so he adopted me even though he was in his early twenties, struggling with his career and had no idea how to raise an eight year old girl.

"Well that's what I have to do as a parent" he winked at me and patted me on the head "even though you turned to be way taller than me kid, I am so proud of you now enough of this emotional talk I haven't been able to handle them well lately I'll go help Eren instead"

"Oh no no let's talk instead we haven't sat together in a while" I pulled him from his arm when he got up with all my power which made him sit back on his seat

"Woah careful there you were about to break my arm with that grab"

"Oh I am sorry Levi"

"I feel bad for Eren now that hurt, what's up with you?"

"I" I sigh then I got closer to him lowering my voice "I have to tell you something but don't tell anyone"

"What?" Levi got closer to me too so he could hear me

"He's jealous from you because your technique always make the barbeque good and he can't do it like you so he doesn't want you to help him"

"That brat well I understand him no one is able to make a better barbeque than me" Levi had a smirk on his face which made me giggle

Eren then soon called that dinner was ready so we all sat around the table, eating, talking and laughing after we all finished it was time to share the big news with everyone I had told Sasha to help me with this last night so she got three baby shirts one said you're going to be grandparents for Eren's family, the second one said you're going to a grandpa for Levi and the third one said you're going to be an uncle for Armin.

So I excused myself to go back inside the house and Eren followed me, I took Levi's box and Armin's since they were sitting close to each other and Eren got his parents' box.

We got back outside and they were all questioning already why we held these tiny boxes and why there were only three and I think I noticed Sasha standing in a corner filming us.

Eren went to his parents and handed them the box and I did the same for Levi and Armin

"Open the box" Me and Eren said at the same time looking at each other

They all opened it at the same time we waited for a minute or two my heart was beating so fast from excitement and I could feel Eren was like me too 

"Oh my god you're having a baby" Carla screamed then jumped to hug Eren immediately

"I will be an uncle" Armin said with tears in his eyes before hugging my tight everyone then got up to congratulate me and Eren hugging us and some teared up like Armin too but Levi was still sitting on his chair covering his face so I walked to him.

"Hey grandpa aren't you happy" Levi then looked up with a grin on his face and tears rolling down his face I was surprised but then my expression softened and I pulled him into a hug tears were rolling down my face too when he hugged me back and whispered in my ears "You were right you're not a kid anymore Mikasa, congratulations"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you give me feedback about it tell me your opinion it will mean alot


	5. What she wants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's still struggling from his loss and no one can understand him even her old friend

**After**  
**November,2020**  
**Eren**

_"I am sorry to say you're diagnosed with_ _FFI_ _: Fatal Familial Insomnia"_

_"It means that sleeping won't come easy for you anymore"_

_"I am sorry_ _there_ _is no_ _cure_ _for it, you have one or_ _two_ _years_ _left"_

_"At least you'll have a piece of me when I am gone"_

_"I can't live without you Mikasa"_

_"Live for our baby Eren"_

_"Mikasa please let it all out talk to me"_

_"She will grow up without a mother Eren"_

_"I won't be_ _able_ _to see her grow up, have her first love, have her first_ _broken_ _heart, I won't be_ _able_ _to see her get_ _married_ _"_

_"Why me?"_

_"I don't want to go Eren, I don't want to leave you_ _I don't want to leave her"_

" _Mikasa don't leave me please I need yo_ _u"_

_"_ _Eren_ _stay_ _strong for_ _her please"_

_"I'll live for her Mikasa I'll live for you"_

_"I love you"_

_"I just want to feel her grasp once"_

_"She'll look just like you"_

_See the light as it shines on the sea? It's blinding_  
_But no one knows, how deep it goes_  
_And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me_  
_And let me know, what's beyond that line, will I cross that line?_

_"M..Mikasa wake up please"_

I woke up panting for air sweat rolling on my face I rubbed my temples looking at my surroundings so two bottles on the ground and on the bed all empty and still I had a dream about her, I ran my fingers through my hair as I let out a long sigh I got out of the bed I didn't know what time is it but I am sure Irma was hungry.

As expected Irma was wide awake playing in her crib she got up as soon as she saw me coming in her room putting her arms high up so I could carry her and so I did what I have been doing for the past month make Irma food, give her a shower and dress her up in a nice outfit but over this month I changed a little I started eating less and drinking more but who can blame me right it helps with the pain I feel everyday it doesn't make it go away but at least it makes it a little easier and it makes time pass quickly of course I keep it at limit at day because I have to stay sober for Irma but as soon as she sleeps I go on a mission to drink myself to sleep.

As I did the daily routine for Irma I heard a knock on the door which was a usual thing they were all worried about me as if I was about to kill myself or something but I understand where they're all coming from, Armin comes here almost everyday and Reiner too Connie and Jean come every now and then as for Sasha and Levi I haven't seen them since the funeral but I ask about them and from what Armin tells me they're doing ok.

I opened the door to see Armin and Reiner 

"Good morning guys come in" I stepped out of the way to let them in

"Good afternoon Eren it's three pm" Reiner chuckled while Armin looked so pale

"Oh well I haven't looked at the clock today so what do you want to drink? Oh maybe I could make you irish coffee it tastes amazing"

"Irish coffee?" Armin asked turning his head to look at me

"Yeah it's coffee with whiskey it tastes really good"

"I..I think I'll pass" Armin said stuttering followed by Reiner agreeing with him to decline my irish coffee offer

"Well it's your loss I'll enjoy it alone then" I made myself a cup before joining Armin and Reiner

"So before you say anything as you can see I am doing better now"

"But you're having whiskey with your coffee" Reiner left an eyebrow at me 

"It's not like I invented it I told you it's called irish coffee"

"So you're irish now or what" Reiner snorted

"What the fuck do you want from me Reiner huh? Tell me you want me to cry? Do you want me to try to kill myself? Or do you want me to just forget that my wife died of a disease and that I am supposed to live my life like nothing happened like she NEVER excited like I never loved her" I yelled at Reiner expect at the last sentence I lowered my voice leaving Reiner shocked 

"Hey E..Eren it's ok Reiner was just joking you know him"

"I..I am sorry, my head hurts a little I am sorry" I rubbed my temples gently trying to ease the pain I felt from the yelling

"We just want you to feel better Eren" Armin said with the usual caring smile on his face 

"Armin I lost Mikasa forever I will never feel better never"

Both of them stiffed to my words and it felt like the whole air in the room got switched with awkward silence while the breath I was taking was like knives in my chest 

"We're not expecting you to be 100% better Eren, I am still hurting from losing Mikasa too but I try to keep going for you and you should do that too for Irma I am sure Mikasa wouldn't want you to be like that" Armin was right with every single word he said he was so right but I can't I don't have the power to coope with this feeling I don't want to see a normal life without Mikasa and I can't have a normal life without her she deserved that too she deserved a normal happy life too I can't live it while she's dead

"How about you come back with me to the hospital..."

"Leave me alone please" I interrupted Reiner 

"What?" Armin asked he must have heard me because he was surprised

"I said leave me the fuck alone" I felt bad for yelling at them both when they were trying to help me but I can't do this anymore I can't talk anymore I can't take the sympathy in their voices I can't take the pitty in their eyes, they both got up Armin looked really hurt as he walked out of the house faster than Reiner

"We're just trying to help a brother out Eren hope you come to see this soon because Armin doesn't deserve this shitty treatment from you" Reiner said loud enough for me to hear before slamming the door behind him.

I went to the kitchen to put away the irish coffee because I needed a drink right now as I opened the cabinet I was surprised to see that there was no drinks left and I had finished the beers few days ago fuck I'll have to go out to buy some I could buy more food for Irma too since I am going to the supermarket anyways.

And so I took Irma to the supermarket adventure as I told her.

As I grabbed all the drinks and food needed I headed to the cashier and there I met a familiar brunette with a bunch of snacks in her hands the corner of my lips were lifted slightly to form a small smile "hey Sasha" she waved at me with a weak smile we both payed for our stuff and headed out to set on one of the benches it was silent for a while even Irma was silent as she held onto me laying her head on my chest I decided to be the one to break the ice since we both were looking down on our feet

"So how have you been I haven't seen you since the funeral" she tilted her head to look at me before answering

"I had better days and you?"

"I feel like shit"

"Well you look like shit" I chuckled to her comment

"She looks like her" Sasha sighed with a small smile on her face as she ran her thumb across Irma's cheek "poor girl she'll have to grow up without a mother"

"As if I don't tell myself that everyday she'll have to grow up with a shitty father instead"

"Hey don't be so hard on yourself you'll be a great father you're already taking care of Irma alone"

"Doesn't mean I am good at it and I snapped at Armin and Reiner today for no fucking reason" 

"Hey language" Sasha interrupted me

"Sorry I just feel so pressured by them to come back to my normal life and they can never feel what I am feeling"

"I am sorry Eren but life goes on wether you like it or not you have to move on"

"You too! Why are you all acting like Mikasa was just a girlfriend who broke up with me Mikasa was my friend from a very long time ago she was my love, my wife she is my family and she died Sasha she is dead how can I ever move on" I wasn't yelling because we were out in public but my tone was aggressive

"Are you planning to trap yourself in the past forever Eren she wouldn't want that for you and Irma she doesn't deserve that life"

"How the fuck does everyone know suddenly what Mikasa wants and why would I give a shit she's not here anymore she died and left me no one of you can ever know what she wanted but you know what Sasha I know what she wanted you want to know?" Sasha had tears in her eyes as she bite her lower lip she didn't talk or do any gestsure but I decided to tell her anyway  
"She wanted to live Sasha she wanted to be with me, to see her daughter grow up she cried one time and told me why me Eren why me out of all people in the world why would I have to die without seeing my daughter grow up or grow old with you so no one says a thing about what she would want because none of you knows a damn thing" I picked up the bags of things I had bought and walked away leaving Sasha crying behind me.

I walked or more like ran home so I won't meet someone else and as soon as I got home I locked the door behind me I decided to make Irma some food and I watched her as she ate her food while I opened the first beer for the day and took a long sip.

After I put Irma to sleep I decided to sit on the chair next to her crib watching her sleeping like an angle I looked across of me and imagined Mikasa resting her head on her arm that lay on the crib while her other hand played with Irma's tiny hair before finding it's way to her tiny palm and holding it and of course she would sing that Moana song she loves so much the one she used to sing to her all day and night when she was pregnant and after she gave birth to her until she couldn't speak anymore I started to mumble the songs so quietly so I won't wake Irma up  
"See the lights as it shines in the see? It's blinding but no one knows how deep it goes, and it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me" my voice cracked in the last part "where can I find you Mikasa?" A sob escaped my mouth so I held my hand on it to stop any more sobs to come out as tears rolled down my face


	6. From now on let's focus on the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Mikasa to face all her friends and family and tell them about her disease

**Before**  
**Mikasa**  
**June** **, 2018**

  
Bad things happen to good people. I never believed in that saying or thought it was too cruel the world maybe cruel but it's too beautiful and it's beauty you get from it makes you forget about all the cruelty but after that day all that changed my world changed.

 _I haven't had much sleep lately and some days I couldn't sleep at all and that worried Eren even more so I listened to him and went to the doctor and I have to say the doctors didn't make Eren's worry go away instead they made us even more worried they asked for tons of tests, I got asked about my sleeping schedule and they even made me stay in the hospital few days for a sleeping study but during those days Eren made sure to stay next to me even if they didn't allow them to be with_ _me_ _in the same room_ _._

_It was then the doctors determined what I have_

_"I am sorry to say you're diagnosed with FFI: Fatal Familial Insomnia" the doctor's face said it all he was horrified_

_"What does this mean?" Eren asked concerned while I had a blank look on my face_ _from not understanding what he said_

_"It means that sleeping won't come easy for you anymore until you won't be able to sleep at all"_

_"A..and what's the cure for it I am ready to pay anything or if we can travel somewhere"_

_"I am sorry there is no cure for it and since you two are adults I have to prepare you for it FFI causes death within a year or two it's a very rare disease and no one knows how to cure it so far I am sorry all we can do is wait and keep her in the hospital especially when the symptoms develop I am sorry again"_

It's been a month since I was diagnosed with FFI: fatal familial insomnia let me tell you more about how fucked up ffi is well as a start it makes sleeping so much harder than you'd normally do and that's what I have been experiencing and not only that it gets you to the point where it gives you no sleep at all so yeah you'd be up 24 hours a day and it's one of the rarest diseases and if that's not enough to convince you then I'll tell you the rest of the symptoms:

-trouble staying asleep  
-muscle twitching and spasms  
-muscle stiffness  
-movement and kicking when sleeping  
-loss of appetite  
-rapidly progressing dementia

Oh and by the way those are the early symptoms I didn't dare to look at the advanced symptoms or more like Eren stopped me from looking at them.

Oh and of course it shortens you life spam for only a year or two.

And I got to the point that I never sleep not even for minutes.

I was laying next to Eren staring at the ceiling while rubbing my tiny belly I let out a shaky breath I shifted my gaze to my belly still rubbing it slowly "I will stay strong for you ok but you will have to promise me to take car of daddy when you grow up, he might act childish sometimes and get angry easily but just know he acts like that because he loves you and he will come very protective of you when you grow up but when you find the one for you I am sure he will be too supportive of you ok Irma"

Yesterday we found out that we were having a girl and so because I don't sleep after Eren drifted off to sleep I started to look for girls names and I found the name Irma and I fell in love with it instantly it means the goddess of war which I want her to be well not for war but I want her to be strong and independent I don't want my death to affect her I want her to be the one to stand next to Eren to be by his side all the time, I want her to be able to be able to stand on her own.

"Irma what a nice name" Eren said in a sleepy voice as he lifted himself up using his arm to plant a soft kiss on my lips

"How much did you hear?" The curves of my lips tilted up as he broke the kiss.

I will miss that.

"I only heard you say Irma is that what you decided to call our little princess"

"It's a start I looked for names and this one really grabbed my attention, it's a powerful name and if we choose it for her I want her to live for it"

"I am sure she will you're her mother after all" the smile on my face turned into a frown upon the thought that came into my mind and Eren picked it up as his facial expression changed too as he ran this thumb across my cheek

"Eren" I whispered to him

"Yeah Mikasa"

"we need to tell them about the gender and my illness I..I know the early symptoms aren't obvious to them but I am sure it will get worse and I don't want them to be surprised by it I want them to be ready for it"

"Ok who do you want to tell first?" Eren switched his posture to be laying on the bed next to me staring at the ceiling with sad expression on his face which made guilt crawl through me knowing that I am the reason for his sadness and I'll be always the reason for his sadness even when I am gone

"Armin and Annie we can call them for breakfast and we'll tell the rest later today"

"Are you sure won't that be too much on you?"

"I'll be fine don't worry plus the sooner we get this over with the better" Eren nodded then got up and walked to the bathroom I let out another sigh before getting up to call Armin

"Good morning Armin"

"Good morning Mikasa how are you?"

"I am good I was wondering if you and Annie could join us for breakfast if you don't have plans already"

"Oh sure that sounds nice I know this good place me and Annie went to it served amazing food"

"Umm can we do it here you both can come Eren makes amazing breakfast" I giggled and Armin followed me

"Ok sure we'll be here in an hour is that enough for you to get ready"

"Yeah more than enough don't worry say hi to Annie until we meet"

"Ok Mikasa see you later"

I dropped my phone on the bed and walked to the dresser I decided to dress up in a flowy floral dress which had a tiny belt right above my little belly I decided to let my hair loose and I put some mascara, blush and of course some concealer to hide my tired eyes on Eren had just finished taking a shower as he stood behind me hugging me from the back

"You look beautiful you don't need make up" he placed a kiss on my cheek before turning me around to face him

"I called Armin and told him to get Annie and we could have breakfast here"

"Yeah it's better if we have this talk here" Eren said as he pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear and I held onto his shirt pulling myself closer to him as I lay my head on his chest hearing his heart beats it still made me feel so calm and it somehow manages to take my head away from all his Eren was running his hand through my hair then he pulled me away a little and his hands brushed my cheeks softly

"Hey we should start making breakfast they will be here soon"

"Yeah you're right"

"I hope you're ready for another episode of my cooking show" Eren said as he Interlocked our fingers and started to walk with me out of the room to the kitchen

"I am always ready to watch you cook"

Eren kept joking around and trying to do stuff to impress me and talking as if he really was on a show.

I will miss that too.

Few moments later there was a knock on the door which meant Armin and Annie are here so I went to open the door to greet them then I led them to the kitchen where Eren just finished making breakfast.

"Hey guys sorry you just missed my show"

"Your show?" Armin asked as he and Annie took a seat around the table

"He pretends to have a cooking show while making breakfast"

"Yeah and you missed it unfortunately make sure to come early next time"

"I think I'll pass" the uninterested look on Annie's face and the disappointed look on Eren's made me and Armin laugh

"Ouch Annie I thought we were friends"

"We are but that doesn't mean I have to agree to anything you do poor Mikasa has to deal with it everyday" this made me and Armin lose it we started laughing even more but I felt guilty when I saw the look on Eren's eyes

"Hey you said you loved them Mikasa" Eren's face dropped and his voice lowered

"Aww of course I love them I am sorry" I gave him a kiss on his cheek which made him go back to his previous self immediately, we all sat around the table and started eating

"So Mikasa how is the baby doing?" Armin asked with the biggest smile on his face he is still so excited about the baby and it makes me comfortable that we have him as a friend because when I am gone I know Armin will be there for Eren and Irma all the time so I won't have to be worried

"She is doing good" a small smile appeared on my face as I rubbed my belly then I looked up to meet the smiles of Armin and Annie

"Oh my god she's a girl"

"Oh my god you're having a girl she will look so beautiful"

"I know she will look just like her mother I am sure of it" Eren put his arm around my shoulders as he pulled me closer to kiss my head

"So that's what you wanted to tell us that's great news I am happy for you two"

"That's not it only but let's continue after breakfast ok" I tried to put on a smile but I saw how Eren's expressions were he was hurt and you could clearly see it Armin's eyes wondered between me and Eren so I gave him an assuring smile before turning to my plate to eat

* * *

Silence.

Silence is all I got from them when I told them the news, they haven't said a word for five minutes just keeping their heads low and not saying a word

"I am sorry I didn't want that to happen too but we're here" I wiped away a tear before I continued "Armin I know I don't have to say this but I want you to be there for Eren and Irma" Eren then got up and left the room we were in probably crying as he hid his face with his hands I looked at Armin who was still looking down with no reaction "Annie I know Eren always irritates you but I want you to be there for him too to teach him how to handle our baby you and I talked about babies before so I am sure you'll be the best replacement my baby can have"

"Of course Mikasa I will do anything for you and Eren and of course for Irma"

"I will count on you and Sasha to be her mothers but try to be a little strict on her because I know Sasha won't" we both let out a little giggle

"I will" Annie said in a shaky voice then she got up quickly to hug me I hugged her back biting my lower lip to prevent myself from letting out a sob and I felt the tears from Annie on my shoulders she broke the hug turning around to wipe her tears away.

Me and Annie weren't close but since Armin started taking interest in her we started hanging out and turns out she's a great friend a friend who you can rely on that's why I am sure she'll be there for Irma.

"Hey Armin will do that for me I know it's too much but I trust you and I know yo-"I was then attacked by a hug from Armin his fingers held tight to the light fabric of my dress and it took me a moment to realize it and hug him back

"I will miss you Mikasa"

"I will miss you too Armin but I am still here I won't leave you anytime soon" I hid my face in the crook of his neck keeping my sobs from coming out while Armin held tighter onto me

* * *

Later I gathered Sasha, Connie, Jean, Reiner and Bert at Nicole's restaurant since the trio was already there and I told them the news Sasha held onto me sobbing, Jean left and went out, Connie was crying in a corner before coming to hug me as well while Reiner and Bert sat staring in a shock.

After I calmed Sasha and Connie down I said goodbye to everyone and went outside in hopes of I would find Jean waiting and I found him

He was setting on the bench at the back of the restaurant his knees in front of his chest his head buried in between them while his hands were covering his ears

I let out a shaky sigh and sat next to him

"Hey" Jean turned his head towards me when he heard my voice then he went back to his previous position without saying a word

I was about to speak again but he started talking "it's not fair" his voice was shaking you can clearly tell that he was stopping himself from crying "you always say the world is cruel but it's so beautiful where is the beauty in this Mikasa"

I was taken back by what he said and I didn't know how to answer because he was so right there is no beauty in me having this rare disease, there is no beauty in me dying so early, there is no beauty in not seeing my daughter grow up and having her grow up without her real mother and there is no beauty for letting Eren, my friends and my family deal with my disease.

"You are right Jean maybe I was wrong maybe the world is just cruel" I turned my gaze from Jean to the sky taking a deep breath in I could feel his eyes on me then he turned to look at the sky as well

"But Jean.." I turned to look at him and so did he a light wind blew which made our hairs move along with it a small smile started to form on my mouth and the tears that were in his eyes started to escape "we all met since we were in highschool, we had so much fun as a group, we fell in love, you became a very successful business man at a young age, I am having a family with a baby girl on her way and my baby will have the most amazing uncles who will take care of her,I might be gone but I am leaving a part of me for you all to take care of this all is enough to make the world beautiful in my eyes, I may be leaving you all early but I am satisfied with my life and I sm glad that I will leave Irma and Eren for you to take care of"

Jean was taken back from my words he wiped the tear that fell on his left cheek and left a wet line on it before talking "I know Mikasa but we all agreed to watch our children grow together"

"I know but let's focus on the past instead because there is no future for me" I rested my head on his shoulder he let out a sigh "hey Jean give me your phone"

"What?"

"Just give it to me" I giggled he moved a little to get his phone out of his pocket then he handed it to me I immediately opened the camera and lifted my hand up "Jean smile to the camera" I lifted my other hand to do a peace sign he then got closer to me doing a peace sign as well the smile on his face didn't stop the tears from escaping from his eyes so I snapped the photo quickly and handed him his phone back "I just remembered that we don't have lots of alone photos together so here now we have another one" I got up from the bench and looked at Jean who was staring at the photo "goodbye Jean I'll see you later"  
"Goodbye Mikasa"

* * *

  
Now was the hardest part the part when I have to tell Levi it's not like I am scared of him it's the total opposite I am scared about him, he might look tough but he is so sensitive especially about the people he loves he actually cried when I told him that I want to move out that's what Hange told me, he cried when I got married and he cried when I told him I was pregnant but these were all happy tears so I am scared about how will he feels when he hears the news.

Levi was a father to me and he will always be and to him I am his little kid it hurts me that I'll do that to him.

I took a deep breath as I stood in front of his door I was about to knock on the door when it swang open revealing Levi in his workout clothes

"Oh Mikasa what brings you here?"

"I missed talking to you" I felt his expressions stiffed as he moved aside to let me in then he closed the door behind me

"Did that Jeager brat hurt you I swear to god I will make him regret it"

"No no he didn't do anything" I giggled then his face relaxed "I am having a baby girl I think I will call her Irma" I looked at my tiny belly rubbing it then I looked up to meet Levi's eyes which were filled with tears

"Irma what a pretty name, she's so lucky to have you Mikasa, raising a daughter is so hard but I am sure you and Eren can do it but that doesn't mean I won't teach her boyfriend who is Irma's grandpa when they decide to date her, I won't let anyone upset her especially you two ok" I couldn't help but smile weakly at his reaction then I let out a heavy sigh and look down the tears started to form in my eyes as I thought about how will I break the news to him

"Oi kid are you ok? Are these hormones or what? I never understand how it works but there is no reason to cry" Levi got up and kneeled next to me

"I will miss you Levi I will miss you calling me a kid" I wiped away the tears that started to run down my cheeks

"Why miss me? I am here not going anywhere?" He held my chin up with his hand and rubbed my hack with the other hand

"No but I am"

"Are you planning to move away or what kid? It's ok we can still see each other just don't cry"

"No I.." I started to fiddle with my fingers and took a deep breath as if it will give me courage to speak "the doctors found out that I have a rare disease called fatal familial insomnia FFI for short it's a rare disease that causes me to have a hard time sleeping and stop sleeping which I don't any more and it has more stupid symptoms and it causes death after a year or two of discovering it which means I have a year or two to live"

Levi got up with a blank expression on his face and "oh" is what I got out of him then we fill into a few moments of silence "but kid I thought we agreed that you'll be the one to take care of me when I am old" his voice was shaking and I could clearly see the tears in his eyes

"Looks like it will be the opposite Levi"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so emotionally exhausting to write I'd like to hear your thoughts about it


	7. My husband, my love, my Eren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren reaches rock bottom so Armin had to interfere even if he didn't like that and Levi might have something to say in this

**After**   
**December,2020**   
**Eren**

  
It's been another month

Another month without her

Today was one of those days when I would be laying on the ground in the middle of the day wasted because she did it again she came to me in my dream, and she was so damn beautiful in that white dress her hair was moving with the wind and her smile.. it never faded from her face.

This time I could actually get closer to her, I could touch her, I could feel her in my arms again as if she never left.

And I could feel her soft hands brushing my cheeks still with that smile on her face.

She said something but I didn't hear it.

I couldn't even focus on what she was saying when she was right in front of me and this woke me up even more of a mess and three bottles is what got me in the current situation

Laying on the floor, empty bottles around me with no idea where Irma is and I couldn't even think straight or get myself up.

But I got used to this because lately I've been having the same dream over and over again but each time Mikasa got closer to me until today and each time I would wake up a mess drinking until I pass out.

But today I got interrupted by the door bell, the sound of it disturbed me so much and I couldn't even get up to get the door and so it rang again and again until

Click..

The door was opened slowly revealing Armin with a very worried expression on his face

"Eren.. Eren are you ok?" He ran to me and kneeled beside me so I started giggling "I don't know Armin but I saw her today I could feel her and she smiling at me" this alcohol I drank made it hard to talk but I managed to get it all out

"Eren are you drunk?"

"Looks like it but I actually saw her Armin she looked like an angel"

"Eren it was a dream she's not here anymore you have to get back to your senses you're getting worse and worse everyday"

"But it felt real Armin so maybe it was real"

Armin grabbed me by the collar of my shirt before he started yelling "EREN GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER SHE IS NOT ALIVE ANYMORE" we held our gaze for few moments I was taken back by what he did, I was about to talk but he beat me to it not letting go of his grip "Where is Irma?" He was angry now so I was scared to answer him knowing that I would make him even more angry, I have never seen Armin like that before so "I...I don't know"   
"If you don't fucking know then who should" He yelled again but lower this time, he dropped me on the ground and ran to scan the whole house.

I got myself up a little so I was sitting down now playing through my head what just happened when I saw Armin coming down the stairs with Irma in his arms her eyes and nose were red was she crying the whole time and I never heard

I noticed Armin holding Irma's baby bag with his other hand "I am taking Irma with me until you get your shit together"

"No Armin you can't do this" I tried to get up but I was drunk so my balance was off and I fell trying to get up

"I am sorry Eren you left me with no choice I didn't want to do this and I was so easy on you all this time when everyone told me I shouldn't so looks like they were right"

"But Armin please Irma is what's left for me she's the only one I have left from Mikasa" Tears started to escape my eyes and I could see them on Armin's eyes as well

"That's why you have to get yourself out of this mess"

And he simply left with the most precious person in my life. 

* * *

I spent what seemed like hours laying on the floor where Armin left me staring at the ceiling, Armin's conversation from earlier played in my head again and again and every time I remember it I realize how right he was and what a mess I became yelling at everyone when they only want to help, drinking myself everyday drowning in regret from the past and fear of the future and it even got to the point that I didn't care for Irma the only one I have left from her my own daughter I couldn't even be the father that Mikasa expected me to be that everyone expected me to be.

it was me who's supposed to die not her, she would have been better dealing with this, she would have been strong so strong unlike me a weakling who drinks himself to sleep everyday heck I even drink myself just to let the day pass quicker ignoring my life, my friends and my daughter

"Mikasa tell me what to do please I am hopeless" I said in a soft tone as if it was the old days when we would lay on the bed beside each other and I would tell he all my problems and she would solve them

I asked what do I do as if she will answer me

But she can't

My thoughts were interrupted by heavy knocking on the door which caused me jump I walked as fast as I could to open it as to prevent this person -who I can assume who he is by the knocking- from breaking my door

But what I didn't know that Levi would show up with Zeke

"Oi are you going to let us in?" I hadn't noticed that I have been staring for more seconds than I should have so I moved away letting them come in

"What the fuck is this mess? Now I know who was the one who took care of the house, and you smell like shit go take a bath I can't stand you"

"Oh c'mon Levi go easy on him"

"Shut up I won't talk to him until he's somewhat sober so Jeager you better take a shower to get rid of that smell too"

I didn't have any energy to disagree or talk back so I just nodded and went to the bathroom maybe a cold shower can bring me back to my senses and maybe it could help me to have a clear mind

It took me a while in the shower because the feeling of the cold water running through my hair and down my body was somewhat calming me down as it was taking all the negativity, burdens and all my demons away

Then again I remembered that I left Levi and Zeke along and even if I wasn't 100% sober I still know it's a bad idea because someone might kill the other

I went downstairs and saw that the house was so clean and of course it was Levi's doing I saw him coming inside from the front door which I assumed he was taking the trash out or something he had taken his jacket off and his sleeves were pulled up meanwhile Zeke was standing next to the cooker

"Are you feeling better now Eren?" Zeke turned around as soon as he sensed that I sat on the table while Levi kept moving around the house cleaning and mumbling very loudly "I can't believe you live in this trash"

"Yeah a little" his cooking smelled so good it made my stomach growl very loud which made me blush from embarrassment

"Dinner will be done soon little brother"

"Don't call me little brother I am old now"

"Still you're my little brother"

"Oi brat you finally lived up to your nicknames I gave you" I rolled my eyes at Levi's words but he was right

Moments later Zeke gave me the food he's been making and along with it a glass of water, Levi had just finished cleaning the upstairs when he joined me and Zeke around the table

"So I guess you two are here to lecture me as well, everyone has been doing it lately" I said before eating a big full spoon which made Levi look in disgust

"Slowly Eren you'll choke"

"Tch do you even take care of yourself"

"I don't" they both paused and looked at me so I continued "I don't take care of myself only Irma but apparently I couldn't even do that too I couldn't do the one thing she asked me to I couldn't" I let the spoon fall on the table as I curled up on the chair hugging my knees "I am the worst human being the weakest too I couldn't get over my wife's death for my daughter, I kept yelling at my friends for no reason and I am a drunk mess who got his daughter taken away from him but you know I actually don't deserve her I don't deserve anything you two should leave too I'll be only wasting your time"

"I didn't drive all the way from my house with Zeke so you can say we should leave don't you know how abnxious your brother is he kept bugging me and smoking the whole way"

"Aww I thought you enjoyed my company aren't we besties"

"Fuck off Zeke"

"Ok we'll finish this later but now Eren I can't imagine how hard is it to lose someone so special I still remember when you were a kid and told me about your feelings for Mikasa and how confused you were, I remember the day you finally told me that you'll tell her about everything about how you liked that little "date" about how you loved looking at her smile, hearing her voice, her laugh about how you loved being with her and I still remember how happy you were when she said that she had feelings for you too I never saw you that happy unless you were with her"

All of this came with flashbacks they were like knives to my heart, my breath was hard to take in and trying not to cry suffocated me and burned my throat

"But I also remember in the few times I visited her in the hospital how sad you looked and how pale you became, it was like you two were loosing life getting thin, always worried, sad and never ok and that last time I came that last time I remember so clearly she took advantage that you went to the bathroom and told me and I quote her words "please take care of him I know he's sad and I know he's hurting I can see it in his eyes I can hear it in his voice and I can feel it in his touch I know after I'll leave it will be hard for him to forget me I never wanted to hurt him like that I never wanted to leave him alone I hate that I am the one causing him pain right now so be sure to stay with him please until he becomes strong again" so if she's watching you right now do you think she'll be happy Eren will she be happy to see how much suffering she caused you especially after she died"

I kept staring at my now almost cold food I couldn't eat anymore not after what Zeke said I can't believe I made her worry while she was in the state and I know she must be more disappointed at me than upset

Zeke then got up and left outside to smoke leaving me and Levi alone

"I know I am not great with words or feelings especially in these situations even though I am a writer how pathetic is that" he snorted before continuing and I let out a little chuckle still facing down "but I know how you feel because you lost your wife while I lost my daughter and I loved her more than anything in the world because the moment she came into my life I became a better human and met better people, Eren I know how damn hard this is to lose her but life goes on and she wanted life to go on after her" Levi then got a piece of paper out of his back pocket "she wrote this for you before she stopped moving and talking and she told me whenever he gets to rock bottom only then give him this letter so I think you need it now kid" he slid the piece of paper on the table near me so I held it between my fingers looking at it carefully Levi then got up so I moved my gaze to him

"I am writing a book about her I'll let you read it first before it gets published" I nodded then Zeke came in again after finishing his cigarette

"C'mon monkey face we're leaving"

"It's still so early"

"He needs to be alone now let's go"

"Ok we'll see you later Eren"

They both went away quickly shutting the door behind them I kept looking at the letter Levi gave me, scared to open it yet eager to listen to her words again even if they were on a piece of paper

I slowly started to unfold the paper until I could see her words, her hand writing and stains of tears on it I took a deep breath and started to read the letter

_To my husband, my love, my Eren_

_Unfortunately if you're reading this it means you're not good because of me and I hate that I am the reason for that before I get to what I want to say I want to tell you something first so read carefully Eren_ _._   
_Eren you were always there for me so thank you. You managed always to brighten my day and make it better, thank you. You always protected me and got me through my anxiety and my bad times, thank you. You always planted a smile on my face and made sure it stayed, thank you. You made it easy for me to fall in love with you and I thank you for that. Thank you for all the good and bad times Eren. You made my life complete Thank you so much._

_I am sorry for all the pain and sorrow I caused you when you only gave me love, I am sorry but this is our life now and even if my life was short I don't regret anything in it. So you shouldn't be sad you made me have the best life and now it's just the start for your life._

_The world is still beautiful Eren even without me especially without me because you have a part of us now you have Irma, and I am sure you will do with her what you did with me that's why even when you're at your lowest I am sure you'll get back to being the Eren I know the Eren I love._

_You're still young Eren you can find another one who loves you and take care of you like I did and you would love her but I'll let myself be selfish don't love her more than you did with me please I want to stay your special someone_ _._

_Life goes on without me Eren for you, for Irma, for Armin, for Levi and everyone else life will go on without me_

_So be the Eren I always knew and loved be the father and mother to our daughter be the good friend for Armin be a loyal husband and never forget me_

_I think I said too much now so at the end of this I want to tell be strong for Irma and for me be strong Eren because life goes on_

_I love you and I will never stop even if I am_ _dead_

_Your one and only, your wife, your love_   
_Mikasa_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter hurt me emotionally while I was writing it, I almost made myself cry and that's the point of this story lmao  
> Tell me your opinion in the comments it means alot hearing your thoughts about it😊♥️  
> Oh and only two chapters left and the story will be finished :(


	8. The cruelty of the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's and Mikasa's journey through life now wasn't easy because Eren would always wake up thinking this was the day Mikasa would leave him and Mikasa would always think of the pain she's causing everyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this will be a bit different as it will go along the two years of Mikasa's illness through the eyes of Mikasa and Eren
> 
> Also I think this is not medically accurate 100% because I searched if it happened to any pregnant women and I couldn't find any results so I guessed what should happen due to the symptoms

**Before**   
**Mikasa**

It's been few months since I was diagnosed my belly grew bigger and so was Irma I had to be attached to alot of IV fluids most of the day because ffi won't let me eat and thus I can provide Irma with the nutrition she wants also I have to get attached to more tubes again for Irma and making sure she would grow as healthy as possible despite my illness so it has been a hard journey so far but having Eren made up for it 

Seeing his reassuring smile, holding my hand all the time and being there for me made all my pain go away

After telling everyone about my condition they all have been visiting me regularly to spend more time with me and I decided to quit my job I only had less time to live and I didn't have any energy to do it so I had to let go of it and it was one of the hardest things to do

Because it was letting go of my dream and somewhat at this moment it hit me that I am actually dying

And as time went by I started to lose an insane amount of weight despite being pregnant, grew tired from the least movement aka going to the bathroom and I couldn't see clearly anymore

The lack of sleep for all this time made me start seeing things things that don't exist which now makes it hard for me to tell what's there and what's not

Doctors have been worried about my situation since I am pregnant and have wanted me to stay in a hospital but I didn't want that not right now at least I don't want to feel trapped surrounded by an atmosphere that wasn't home I didn't want to have Eren almost fitting in the bed next to me I didn't want my baby to get used to hearing nurses and doctors coming in and out of the room all the time I didn't want that

Today Irma is six months old which means three more months and I'll be able to feel her to touch her gentle hands to see her tiny cute face and to hold her in my arms 

It was cloudy and it looked like it will rain Eren was in the hospital he didn't want to work but I insisted so he agreed on one condition that I go with him

Even though I hated hospitals but I had to agree I didn't want Eren to lose his job or in other words I don't want Eren to pause his life for me because in the end it was his father's hospital so he can help him with taking time off but I didn't want that 

Plus I had to get checked by doctors almost all the time so why not

After the check up and making sure that Irma was good today I left the room for a walk outside 

The air was so cold it sent shivers all over my body but somewhat it was relaxing the cold air was hitting my cheeks and moving my hair so I brought the scarf closer to my mouth and nose

I sat on a bench under a tree when I felt a presence next to me I couldn't tell their face exactly as it was covered with white dots from my eyes

"Oh you came for a baby check up as well" from her voice I could say she's a young woman probably about my age I smiled before answering her "yeah I am six months pregnant so the check ups are more now" I giggled rubbing my belly as I felt Irma kick where my hand rested which made me smile

"I am still three months but I could feel him start kicking unlike my first time looks like this one will be more energetic" she giggled and all I did was smile at her before I could say something again she started talking "is this your first baby?" I nodded "a boy or a girl?" I looked up at her seeing a little clear now I could make that she has brown hair and green eyes "a girl we decided to call her Irma" "aww Irma what a cute name girls are so much fun to watch grow up, you can dress them up in cute dresses and brush their hair when they get older do fun stuff with it and when they start playing with your make up and you can't help to be upset because of how cute she'll look you'll have so much joy watching her grow, my first was a girl too she is seven now and even though I had her at a young age I still love every moment I shared with her" I had my head low because the more she talked the harder I kept the tears from rolling down my face and I think she noticed something was wrong because she put her hand on my shoulder "hey you ok?" I nodded as I wiped away the tears from my face before looking at her again "yeah I just got too emotional" "oh it happens I feel you" 

Just then I heard Eren yelling my name I looked up to where the sound was from "Mikasa why did you leave my room I got so worried about you" before I got to say anything the woman sitting next to me got up and before she left she started talking to me and Eren "oh you must be her husband I will go now it was nice talking to you and good luck with you baby and the others in your future" I smiled at her before returning to Eren and now I didn't stop the tears from coming out of my eyes

"Mikasa what's wrong? Are you in pain?" I shook my head no so he kneeled in front of me "then what's wrong baby talk to me"  
"Eren why me?" My tears turned into sobs and I could feel Eren's touch stiffened he held me close to his chest so I wrapped my arms around him holding the fabric of his coat between my fingers as I sobbed even more I could hear his sniffles in my ear as he rubbed circles on my back with one hand and the other held me tight "I don't know Mikasa I don't know"

* * *

It was three am Eren was sleeping next to me while I was watching a anime I could have relaxed next to Eren but Irma has been kicking so much since she's seven months now she thinks she can turn my belly into a wrestling arena and since I can't even sleep I have been using alot of my time to watch movies, anime and series I have been delaying and adding it to my watch list because no better time than now to watch what I want

I was in the middle of an anime right when the mc was about to find that his friend was the traitor when I felt an insane pain in my stomach and that type of pain I shouldn't be having when I am pregnant

So I started freaking out

"E..eren" I was in so much pain I managed to whisper Eren's name while shaking him with my hand and holding my belly with the other hand

"Eren wake up please" I yelled in pain holding my stomach before Eren shot up quickly from bed "Mikasa what... what's wrong?" "It's Irma something is wrong I don't want to lose her" I was sobbing at this moment and I only thought about my baby girl I don't want to lose her, I don't want Eren to lose us both I was cut of my thoughts when I felt Eren's arms around me as he held me and started to walk outside to the car as he put me in the passenger seat and sat behind the wheel he started driving as fast as he can but he turned around to look at me before starting the car his hands on top of mine they were so cold probably from all the worry I could see it in his eyes too but still he had the most assuring smile "we won't lose her ok Mikasa just stay strong until we get to the hospital" and with that he started the car

The doctors told me that I was giving birth and because it was so early they were a little worried   
"Please I need her to live even if it killed me she has to live please" tears were rolling down my face as worry took over me the pain had stopped for few moments  
"Mikasa don't dare to leave me now you have to see her too right I can't be the only one greeting her in the world she should have her mother too" Eren grabbed my hand with both his hands tears rolling down his face and his hands still really cold  
"I just want to feel her grasp once and have a look on her face and I don't care I'll be leaving her anyway but if they had to choose between me and her choose her please Eren" Eren nodded with the doctors with tears rolling down his face still   
"Just try to live a little for me and Irma ok Mikasa" I nodded then the doctors came in getting us both ready for the delivery

Her grasp, her face, her warmth near me were one of the best things that have happened to me and Eren

"Eren she's so beautiful" I held her close to my chest taking her scent in after the nurses cleaned her she was fast asleep and Eren was sitting next to me his had around my shoulder as he pulled me closer to him  
"Yeah you are her mother after all, thank you for staying strong for us Mikasa" he planted a soft kiss on my temples and then he did the same for Irma

The doctors then came in to take her in the nursery she was healthy but she's been born early so they had to keep an eye on her

But what matters is I felt her touch I saw her face and I have never been glad to be able to see clearly in my whole life

* * *

  
**Eren**

Mikasa has lost an insane amount of weight her skin got pale and her movements are less now, her ability to hold a conversation got less and even though I knew all of this was coming I had read about in different websites heard about it from many doctors but still seeing it happen to Mikasa broke my heart

Armin and Annie had just left with Irma since me nor Mikasa can't take care of her right now as Mikasa had to stay in the hospital they would take Irma home with them and they would bring her here everyday so we can see her and then take her at night again it's hard to be separated from Irma especially for Mikasa but we are lucky to have Armin with us to help us through this

I was lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice the Mikasa got up from bed so when I didn't see her there I looked around and saw her standing by the window 

"Hey Mika" I stood next to her and turned my head towards where she was looking until she started talking "Eren" I turned my head towards her while she still had her gaze fixed on the horizon "can you tell them all to not come again even Irma"  
"Why Mikasa don't you want to see them all and Irma?"  
"Eren I can't even see you right now I can't tell what's the truth and what's the hallucination from my brain I haven't been able to see my daughter's face for the past week" I stood frozen while she wiped the tears from her eyes for the first time since she got diagnosed I have no idea what to do or say to comfort her  
"I don't want to cause them pain whenever they see me too I am already causing too much for you and I know it will get even worse as the days go by so I don't want anyone to see it I want them all to remember how I was not what I am right now please Eren can you tell them that"  
"I...I can Mikasa I'll tell them"  
"Thank you Eren" Mikasa then turned around with a smile on her face and tears stains on her cheeks so I pulled her closer into a tight hug I hid my face in the crook of her neck biting my lips to stop myself from crying as she held tight into my shirt  
"Eren promise me that you'll stay strong for our daughter, you need to be her father and her mother you have to be the shoulder she leans on, love her and be there for her because I can't"  
"Of course Mikasa I will"

* * *

Irma turned one and for that I convinced Mikasa to have her here so we can celebrate her birthday as a family and to that she agreed but even though I thought it was a great idea turns out it's the total opposite because this night Mikasa kept crying after she thought I fell asleep and I couldn't do anything to Mikasa again.

But it's been quite some time since then and Mikasa had gotten so worse during that period she's barely moving anymore she doesn't talk she got thinner and more pale and it kills me each time I look at her each time I see her laying almost lifeless in bed not being able to hear her voice seeing her suffering and in pain and not being able to do anything to help her

Saying her laying on bed with tubes coming in and out of her almost lifeless body is a nightmare to me because I never in my life thought that the Mikasa that protected me from the bullies, the strong Mikasa that did extraordinary workouts that even highschool boys couldn't, the Mikasa that I fell in love with and decided to spend the rest of my life with her, the love of my life is suffering and she will leave me alone with a daughter who she wanted to have for a long time only to be taken away so early maybe life is only cruel and the beauty in it is temporary 

I went back to reality when I felt a gentle touch on my hand from Mikasa even her hand now was cold I turned around to her and smiled I decided today I'll be the one holding her so I got closer wrapping my arm around her and the other hand I ran through her hair I could feel her relax in my arms so I kept doing that and she wrapped her arm around me to pull me closer to her and before sleeping I whispered "I love you"

I woke up the next day and Mikasa had her eyes closed I noticed that the scarf that I once gave her when we were teens that she kept around ber neck since she got so cold was now on the floor so I picked it up "good morning Mikasa"

No response she didn't even open her eyes I stayed frozen for a while knowing exactly what happened but scared to confirm it my heart was beating so fast I felt my soul leaving my body and the tears already forming in my eyes

So after few minutes I got closer to her my hand brushed her very cold cheek and my other hand feeling the pulse and the only thing I have been fearing for a while came true in a moment

She was gone


	9. Maybe happy endings exist

**After**

**Eren**  
**October, 2026**

_‘she was my closet friend you could literally sit and talk to her for hours and she would listen to you and give you the best advice, she encouraged me alot in my past and helped me with my relationship now and without her I wouldn't be who I am now,_

_Armin_

"C'mon daddy we will be late everyone's waiting" Irma was knocking on my door and yelling at me to finish  
"Don't you think I should dress up for mommy" I opened the door and Irma immediately smiled "plus I am going with a little princess so I should dress up to be good looking for you"  
"You're always looking good daddy"  
"Thank you sweetie that's alot coming from my little pretty princess"  
"C'mon everyone is waiting downstairs" Irma said pulling my sleeve and walking so I can follow her downstairs 

  
Today marks exactly six years since Mikasa left us and I make sure each year we all gather in our house before visiting her grave

"You sure still take a long time to get dressed" Armin said crossing his arms over his chest while three year old Arwin held onto him from his pants before Irma attacked him with a hug "Irma be careful"  
"It's ok Eren he loves her ,see" he pointed at the little children who were hugging and smiling before running together around the living room  
"So six years huh?"  
"Yeah time flied fast even though she's not with me"  
"Well Eren I think she is always here watching you and I want to tell you I am proud of who you became now and how strong you got for Irma, and I am sorry if I got you upset by what I did in the past taking Irma from you was a little too much now that I have Arwin I know what you must have felt and-"  
"I was an ass and I deserved it so stop apologizing every year I really needed this to get me on my feet again so if anything you were a huge help to me as you always were Armin"

_‘she was the sister I never had, she helped me when I left home and started from literally zero, she encouraged me while I failed at everything until I found what I want in life, she was there for me through my ups and downs and so I was for her and if I had one wish I would wish that she would never leave us,_

_Sasha_

"Hey Eren looking good as always"  
"You too Sasha, how is the business going?"  
"Well as you know me and Nicolo quit our jobs and started a van restaurant around the country so it's doing pretty fucking well"  
"That's great I am really happy for you and I know Mikasa is too"  
"Thank you Eren, I realized we were lucky to have her and we weren't even aware of it but these past six years even with all their good and bad times it's still weird without having to share everything with her"  
"I know but I say you should still talk to her even if you were laying in bed just talk to her tell her everything I am sure she will listen to you"

_‘she was my first love, a great friend, an amazing person who can turn the attention to her from her beauty and her personality, she was loving and caring so how can you not love her, she deserved to live longer for her friends, her husband and her daughter but I will just focus on the past whenever I remember her,_

_Jean_

"Hey Jean I thought you were in Greece for a meeting or something"  
"Yeah I was but I booked a trip here you know I can't miss this day"  
"I know and I am glad you could make it, each year you all surprise me by showing up I thought you would be too busy to do so"  
"If we're busy we'll make time we had one Mikasa"  
"I am sure she is happy that you all still care"  
"Irma grew up to look like her" Jean said looking to his left where Irma and Arwin were sitting  
"Yeah I wonder if my genes ever affected her but I am glad it makes me feel like I never lost her in a way and it makes Irma happy when she sees how much she looks like her"  
"Yeah so are you and Irma doing better now?"  
"I am not going to lie I still feel somewhat incomplete without her but Irma makes me forget about it so yeah we're doing amazing and you?"  
"I am doing good too I even met someone but I'll save that for another time maybe for a guys night out"  
"I'd love that"

_‘she saved me from rock bottom, she gave my life a meaning and a purpose, she was my daughter, a wife, a mother her name was Mikasa Ackreman and even though she's gone she's still here with us in each one of her friends and family,_

_Levi_

"Oi kid where's your grandpa's hug" Levi bent down to Irma's hight opening his arms for her  
"Grandpa Levi" she ran to him and hugged him and so he hugged her back with a smile on her face  
"Look how pretty you look in that dress"  
"Thank you grandpa daddy choose it for me"  
"Are you excited to visit mommy today?"  
"Yes I am so excited me and daddy ordered special flowers yesterday and we also looked at his old photos there was one of you and mommy when she was little and she looked like me"  
"Yes she did kid and I even think you'll grow up to be like her"  
"I hope so I wish I could have met her"  
"I know kid"

_‘to the love of my life, my wife, my Mikasa_  
_You are the best thing that have ever happened to me, you changed me, you made me a better person, and the moment I realized I was in love with you it was one of the best moments in my life because it led me to have to see you in a white dress looking so perfect like you always do, you made me happy since the moment you came into my life until the moment you left and you gave me the best thing I could ever have, thank you for making me happy, thank you for staying with me, thank you for letting me be your husband, thank you for loving me and letting me love you back_

We stood in front of her grave flowers lay on it "Mikasa I did it I became strong for Irma for our daughter and I'll keep on being strong as long as you keep looking at me and guiding me from above"  
"Mommy even though I don't remember you I really miss you and I wish you were here with me and I wanted to thank you for giving me the best daddy ever because he loves me and buys me all the food and toys I want so don't worry daddy is taking care of me" I kneeled down to Irma and turned her body to face me "she wanted to be here for you so I am sure she misses you too very much"  
"Daddy can you read me grandpa Levi's book again when we're back"  
"Of course princess"

_‘thank you for being the beauty in our cruel world,_

_Eren_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo that's it for this book I am really sad I finished it😭 and I am sorry if this chapter is a little cringy or sappy lol, I want to thank y'all for the support and I hope you found this entertaining to read
> 
> Oh and if you didn't notice these quotes were the final page of Levi's book about Mikasa hehe
> 
> (i always find my writings cringy after I write them so thank you for loving it and leaving your opinions)  
> If this was your first book to read from me go check the others please🥺👉🏼👈🏼 I have a long one , a one shots and a long one chapter fic
> 
> I might not write alot even though I have a lot of ideas but uni is on the way and it gets me so stressed so we'll see what happens but I will definitely write in my one shots fic
> 
> Again thank you so much for the support and I'll see you soon♥️


End file.
